U.S. State Dept. Staff Scans World, Finds Badness Far from Our Shores

They May Suffer From a Rare Case of Group Myopia. It's Nasty. So don’t Laugh. It Could Happen to You.

Scanning the world for badness, the U.S. State Department announced last Friday that “Venezuela is planning a ‘buying spree’ for military equipment that goes beyond the country's legitimate needs”, a move that “could contribute to destabilization in Latin America.” Smarting from previous destabilization attempts by the United States, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez responded with a really puzzled look.

Heads up to the sales staff of LensCrafters (HELPING PEOPLE SEE BETTER, ONE HOUR AT A TIME®): Apparently the peaceniks at the DOS suffer from a condition known as nearsightedness. This condition renders the patient incapable of seeing things right under his or her fucking nose. But you all know that! Perhaps a friendly email to the government is in order:

Dear Dept. Of State peaceniks,

I read the news reports of spokesman Sean McCormack noting that your department is objecting to the military buildup in Venezuela. I have little doubt that your department is motivated by anything other than a focused agenda of global American hegemony... I mean, you are fighting the Good Fight for freedom and democracy and fairness and everything nice.

However, as an American taxpayer and upright citizen who cares deeply for the bureaucrats that serve my Nation’s flag, I must inform you that your no-doubt crack staff of observers scanning the world for badness and all things icky, may indeed suffer from an inability to see what’s right under their cocaine-tinged noses. And I mean that in a nice way.

The reason I bring this up at this juncture, and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, is some ingrates might say that you have to be mentally damaged in a seriously unfunny way if you have to go all the way down the East Coast, through Florida and across the Caribbean to find an overlarge, invasive and destablizing military machine. What am I getting at? Well, there’s an overlarge, invasive and destablizing military machine just across the Potomac River from your posh offices. If you peek out the window, you might be able to see its HQ with your opera glasses. If you squint. Anyway, it’s not that far away. It’s way closer than Venezuela. Unlike Venezuela, suggest the cynical, the bloated military machine headquartered at the Pentagon has already been used just the very way you folks fear Hugo will use his vast legions: destabilizing and attacking and generally throwing its weight around in other countries.

A cynic might also note that unlike Venezuela, the U.S. actually maintains the most expensive and sophisticated military machine in the world and it is spread across the world. Apparently some wiseass seems to think there are some 350,000 U.S. troops abroad. According to another liberal whiner named Chalmers Johnson, “the Pentagon currently owns or rents 702 overseas bases in about 130 countries and HAS another 6,000 bases in the United States and its territories.” I know that as good Americans we are not supposed to notice such outlandish hypocrisy and bullshitting from our own government, so I promise, henceforth, not to notice it anymore. I promise. Sir. (Smiley face)

And you know about Bush’s famed madness and Cheney’s nervous tick? You know too about the, some say, bullshit-based Iraq war and the Pentagon gouging and massmurder and lying and corruption and menacing sneers at the American people and all that stuff, right? I know you know. Of course you know.

Don’t get me wrong, I mean, as military machines go, Venezuela’s could threaten significant portions of suburban Detroit. I also know that it is completely ridiculous and obviously communistic to suggest that previous threatening and destabilizing acts by the United States against Venezuela hardly constitute an excuse for Hugo Chavez’s nefarious attempt to purchase a handful of non-state of the art propeller-driven aircraft from Brazil. We both know he wants to nuke Newark, Jersey (even though it looks like it was nuked already). And don’t listen to those liberal Bush-haters who say Venezuela doesn’t have nukes either. If Israel says they do, then they do. They ought to know what nukes like, right?

Yours in freedomness,
Ron

Anyway, I’ve sent my email to the Department of State spokesman. I cc’d Condi Rice and LensCrafters. Pray for your government’s eyesight. It’s not a game, mister.

Comments

[Willa]

Hello. A good man would prefer to be defeated than to defeat injustice by evil means.
I am from Slovakia and learning to write in English, tell me right I wrote the following sentence: "Sitting for the rate role: the season is not done with mother panel in a attention to learn scare the competition's subjective gorilla."

Thanks :). Willa.